In today’s installment of “Should I Visit This Tourist Attraction?” I go to the Salt Mines of Wieliczka so you don’t have to (unless you want to).

Read on…

About twenty-five minutes outside of Kraków, Poland is a series of salt mines that are some of the oldest in the world. And until recently were still in use. It is said that miners, who worked from before sunrise until after sunset and never saw the sun, decided to start making carvings from the compound deep inside the earth. You might wonder why they just didn’t stop screwing around with chisels and go up top and catch some rays like I did, but this was never explained.

It has now been turned into a huge tourist bonanza called Wieliczka Salt Mine with over 1.2 million visitors a year taking tours in seven different languages. There is an underground restaurant and several – yes, more than one – gift shops underground. We were told by many that it was a must see. We didn’t question it. But to be a vigilant traveler and not simply a tour hound, perhaps you should. So ask yourself:

Juliana, do I NEED to visit the salt mines of Wieliczka?

Thanks for asking, but this, my friend, is something only you can determine. But luckily, in the interest of research, I’ve done some recon to help you decide.

Personally, I find that tourist attractions often have an inverse proportion of tourist vs. attraction, and not all are worthy of your precious time and money. I’m suggesting some careful consideration before you take the plunge down 442 feet below the surface, so I’ve created this handy quiz to help you out.

So let’s begin. Answer true or false:

1) Walking down thirty-eight flights of stairs in a close group of thirty-five tourists is not a problem for me. Plus I like to take staircase perspective photos.

Walking down 380 steps. Maybe don’t look down until about 10 minutes in.

2) No visit to a salt mine is complete without seeing mannequins with bad haircuts in medieval dress demonstrating various jobs.

We’re too busy carving sculptures in these here salt mines to go up to the surface and see the sun, okay?

3) Underground lakes are my jam.

Water? Under the earth? How is this possible? I’m totally blown away, brah!

4) I need more photos of me standing in front of kings carved in salt for my instagram feed.

You’ve seen me in front of a lot of things… but not an oversized bust of a king made entirely of salt, so…heyyyyo!

5) I have a visual collection of Jesus sculptures and I need to add this one to my list. Besides, come on! Salt Jesus!

Yes, this is entirely made of salt. No, I have no idea how they got the different colors. That kind of drill-down information was not provided on this tour.

6) I’m not kidding, I must see them all…look! salt baby Jesus!

Little baby Jesus and the family heading into Bethlehem. Pan-Rump-pa-pa-rump.

7) Sometimes I just need a salt lick. Especially one I’m not supposed to lick.

So salty!

8) I’m okay with shuffling underground for three hours because the payoff is this beautiful ballroom replete with religious reliefs, salt-crystal chandeliers and a plethora of international tourists.

The underground salty ballroom available for banquets and weddings. Probably.

9) Boo! I love random unexplained dragons sizing me up.

Shrek here was peeking out behind a corner that only a keen few of us noticed. And for no apparent reason. Kinda like that damn puppet sticker at Trader Joe’s that they tell kids to look for.

10) I am not claustrophobic in any way, so I have no problem riding this elevator up from the depth of the mine for three entire minutes while smashed up against eight strangers.

I am not kidding when I tell you that you will be flattened between eight other tourists that you never wanted to get to know that well. And it’s three minutes. Three really long minutes. You can’t even hold your breath that long, can you?

To Tally Your Score…

If you answered false to at least 6, then go wander outside in the fresh air, grab yourself a pierogi and a żywiec and soak up that gorgeous main square.

If you answered true to at least 6 of these, then hooray! Book yourself a ticket for a day in the mines. But be aware from the moment we left Krakow until the moment we returned it took five entire hours and a little bit of our patience. You’re below ground essentially looking at the same things repeatedly, and if you have precious few days in Krakow, and you’re doing it at the cost of seeing a great, historical city.

How I felt after being underground for three solid hours looking at salt.

One last caveat: The Polish believe that breathing salt air is therapeutic and that each hour breathed adds one week to your life. This is amazing if true, because it means that you CAN get those three hours back. So if you feel like you just lost three hours of your life, remember that you just gained three weeks. I mean, they’re on the backend, so no clue how useful that will be to you, but there you go.

And that concludes this episode of “Should I Visit This Tourist Attraction?” You now have a completely, 100% scientific* way to decide for yourself if you should go to the Wieliczka Salt Mine near Krakow, Poland.

*not scientifically corroborated.

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